Simpsons Speak -> Homer J Simpson

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours."

"Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow."

"And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream."

"Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!"


"Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die."

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

"Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college."

"Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television."

"Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible."

"No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you."

"Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer."

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return."

"If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English."

"Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people."

"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."

"Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!"

"Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."

"You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!"

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?"

"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me."

"Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

''To Start Press Any Key''. Where's the ANY key?

"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on."

"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."

"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!"

"I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!"

"Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy."

"I have feelings too - like ''My stomach hurts'' or ''I'm going crazy!'

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show
me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything,
Kent. 14% of people know that."

"Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin." (on death of cat).

"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

"I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight."

"It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone."

"Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."

"OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?"

"Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."

"No! No no no no no no! Well, yes."

"Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will."

"Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!"

"They have the Internet on computers, now?"

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"

"When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces,,...I just know they're about to jab me with something."

"Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose."

"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button."

"If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"

"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."

"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

"Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."

"I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!"

"If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now."

"Lord help me, I'm just not that bright."

"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."

"Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!"

"I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb."


"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."

"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close."

"Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!"

"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!"

"Unlike most of you, I am not a nut."

"Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about."

"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."

"Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!" (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)

"Ignore the boy, Lord."

"Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?"

"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

"Trying is the first step towards failure."

"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"

"What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?"

"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them." (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)

"I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming."

"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."

"And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned."

"Being popular is the most important thing in the world!"

"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."

"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman."

When lather chokes you !

Analyze this->

You get up early in the morning and your sister is leaving to Darjeeling, Sikkim and all the places in North Eastern India that you've ever dreamed of, and you're feeling pissed that you didn't get there before her..Particularly when she's going on a rather expensive school excursion..The bastards made me cough up 5 grand for the trip!

You drag yourself to the wash-basin, and the color *blue* is running
around in your head..maybe this calls for a dose of Bobby McFerrin on my computer a little later..You pick up the toothbrush from it's stand, and look at it..should I brush or not?..animals don't brush, do they? And most of the animals in the world that i've had the opportunity of meeting have a perfect set of teeth..not exactly pearly white, but a good set nonetheless..

Getting to the point of this post.. you accidentaly pick up the shaving cream lying close next to the Close-Up tube, and whaddya know, no one will be getting close to you today!

C++ Codes the Moods !

As I am right now in harmony with one little programming language they call C, and it's elder bro - C++, I feel at ease to write stuff off the top of my head in coded form.

Every morning I wake up to a different mood..Dunno if it is only with me or if people out there experience the same..Anyways, the mood of the morning persists with me all through the day,
and I sometimes I feel I am in that particular mood for no reason whatsoever.

Didn't know what else to say, so I wrote out some code which will actually compile in the Turbo C++ compiler.This l'il baby could just be the code embedded in my cerebral cortex..And I've added comments for the non tech public to dig in..

// The C++ Program that decides the moods of people when they wake up every morning
#include
#include
#include
#include
#define HAPPY 0
#define PISSED 1
#define CHEERFUL 2
#define HUMANITARIAN 3
#define SERIOUS 4
#define LETS_GO_OUT_AND_KICK_SOME_ASS 5
main()
{
enum days_of_week{sunday,monday,tuesday,wednesday,thursday,friday,saturday};
int mood;
clrscr();
for(int i=sunday;i<=saturday;i++) //Seven days.. Seven Modes !
{
delay(60*60*24); //Twenty Four hours of human time..
mood=rand()%7; //Random generation of mood 0-7
switch(mood)
{
case HAPPY:
cout<<"I'm likely to be happy about something..Dunno What!?"; break;
case PISSED:cout<<"F#$@ the world! WTF am I pissed about !?"; break;
case CHEERFUL:cout<<"Let's be nice to people today.."; break;
case HUMANITARIAN:cout<<"It's not too bad to be helpful and charitable, is it?"; break;
case SERIOUS:cout<<"This day dawns with a purpose..Wonder what that could be?!"; break;
case LETS_GO_OUT_AND_KICK_SOME_ASS:cout<<"Let's go out there and kick some butt!!"; break;
default:cout<<"There is one default mood..SLOTH!!";
//Just in case there is no case!
}
}
}

Of Murugan and his Idlis

This entry might be one to the yawns of every south Indian, and to the fascination of every north Indian. I say this as I have had experiences in Delhi, when I used to take idlis for lunch to school, and my classmates used to go crazy! For the uninitiated, Idlis are sour rice cakes, and we generally have them with sambar and coconut chutney. Idlis form a general part of the diet of every south Indian, and just about every second south Indian flinches at the mention of idlis for breakfast. Just how good can idlis get, you ask? The answer is there on North Usman road, in one little place they call Murugan Idli Shop. It was suggested to me by Vindy, and according to him, is the ultimate idli destination. Now, for background info, idlis are banned at home, after mom cooked endless doses of idlis for breakfast everyday for a week, me and sis made a pact, saying that if there were to be any more idlis, we would feed them to the street-dogs. On these words, which were the ultimate insult to mom's cooking, she said she wouldn't make any more idlis until we asked her specifically. And then came the Murugan Experience.

Me, Shrikant and Srinidecided to eat-out after submitting our filled in appointment orders to Virtusa, and we couldn’t find a decent place in T.Nagar to eat at. It was then that Vindy's words struck me, and I decided what the heck, a couple of idlis could'nt be that bad. And we started. I knew the place was somewhere on North Usman Road, but I wasn't sure exactly where. So, we blindly began walking down N.Usman Road, and after some five hundred meters or so down the road, came a surprise I hadn't quite expected. I had expected "Murugan Idly Shop" to just be one of those south Indian restaurants with unpainted walls, waiters with dirty stubbles, and one grumpy guy at the counter who acts like he's doing you a favor while giving you the change for what you've eaten.The place is well maintained, and gives some other supposedly good eat-outs(Read: Saravana Bhavan) a run for their money.Murugan Idli Shop has been listed on the Outlook "Top Places to eat in Chennai", some of the other contenders being Hi-Fi places like the multi-cuisine restaurants at the Taj Connemara, The Park, Chola Sheraton, and the Trident Hilton. I say this because I've never been to the restaurants mentioned above, and I severely lack the table manners which I feel will make them drive me out even if I do get into one of them. But it's not the same at M.I.S.(I've used Murugan Idli Shop often enough in this entry to make an abbreviation).

We went in and the waiter smartly came to our table, and placed a banana leaf in front of each of us."Enna Saapadaringa sar?"

I thought of saying-"You call this place a Idli Shop man, bring idlis!!"

But I said-"Rendu Rendu Idli"

And then it started. I burnt my finger when I poked at the first steaming idli. Shrikant went nuts in the place, and because I am trying to lose a little weight, ate only five idlis and a vada.Srini stayed with me, and ate like a human being. Later on, I would feel guilty for not having eaten a little more, as Shrikant offered to pay the bill. Now, for all the madrasis, the kind of money they charge here might be a little over the roof. Rs.4.50 per idli! All I will say is, you can pay any amount of money for these kind of idlis.If you happen to visit Madras (Chennai sounds stupid), be sure not to miss the true delight of South Indian Cuisine...Don't miss Murugan Idli Shop...

Note: This entry might give you the conception that they are actually paying me to advertise their shop, but actually they aren't! How many people do you think read my blog??

:: Kerala "God's own country" : TN "God Forsaken Country??" ::

Here I am, after quite a layoff, and glad to be back to the world of blogging.The blogger's block seems to have gone out the window, as I return from a trip in which I discovered the magic that lies hidden in the hills of South India.If you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, I just got back from a eight day odyssey to Wayanad, Munnar, Thekkady, and Kodaikanal, and the effect is a little tough to wear off.

Kerala is called 'God's own country' and honestly, the tourism board couldn't have come out with a better caption to advertise this heavenly land.There is a kind of untouched virginity in the place, and you feel that you have discovered something new everywhere you go.As one classmate put it, Here's what Kerala is all about - Mazhai, Malai, Maram (Rain, Mountains, and Trees).Here's to GK for coming up with unintentional poetry and for being my co-explorer.We dared deviation from the rest of the crowd, and happily explored the wonders of mother nature, in Eravikulam National Park( GK got the leech therapy here), Edakkal caves(we almost reached the top of the mountain, from where you can supposedly see the three states of Kerala, Tamil Nadu, and Karnataka), and the place that was supposed to be a view point, but ended up being a brilliant, although fruitless, four kilometer trek up the hills of Wayanad.My personal favorite was the Eravikulam national park, AKA Rajamala, which houses the largest population of Nilgiri Tahrs in Asia. Although we got to see only one of them, the scenary was spectacular enough to forego the sight of all the Tahrs in the world. The clouds were literally at our feet and we could see them rolling their way across the mountains. And my immediate reaction was, "Man, this must be how heaven looks like!"

We also had a stunning time at the hotels where we stayed, and a special mention must go out to JC Residency, for being the highlight of our stay at Kodaikanal.The place was magical for being a budget accomodation, and the indoor games room allowed us liberties like all-night table tennis sessions. As I say that the hotel was the highlight of Kodaikanal, I wonder if you are wondering why I said that. After all, Kodai is supposed to be the most beautiful tourist destination in Tamil Nadu. My answer is - It's because of the people.There is a stark contrast in the way the people of the two states treat their surroundings. I got live examples of these when we were in Thekkady, and the lady who sold us banana chips promptly put the contents, which were in a poly pack, into a paper bag before giving it to us. On the other hand, when I wanted to dispose off a tea cup in Kodaikanal, all I could find were signs saying "Please use the Dustbin", but not a single dustbin in sight. I felt that the whole beauty of Kodaikanal has been over-exploited, and that the place has so much more to offer than molagai bajjis, dirt-cheap souvenir shopping, and noisy hawkers. Not to mention, is the tourist crowd, which will be a turn-off, if not anything else.I really think that the Tamil Nadu tourism department can pick up a leaf or two from the way the Kerala tourism is going about it's task of converting the state into India's best tourist destination.

I can go on ranting about how we can make Kodai better and how much contrast there is across the southern states, but feelings apart, I feel rejuvenated from the experiences of Kerala, and will look forward to exploring the land in more detail.Virtusa, please note.

Finally, one big "Oho!" - to JV and Siva for having put it all together, to make one heaven of a tour.